The Merc with a Mouth seals the Iron Can
by Aragorn II Elessar
Summary: The Merc with a Mouth is not very pleased by Tony's actions in 'Civil War' and 'Homecoming.' Not for those who think Tony can do no wrong.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel Cinematic Universe, Deadpool or anything else you may recognize**

 **This is me taking out my frustration at the Tony stans who are some of the most ridiculous, creepy and biased people to ever exist.**

 **So if you're a Tony stan, don't even bother. If you're just a Tony fan, you're welcome to argue. And any Team Cap supporters, I hope you like this.**

"Mr. Stark", Vision said as he walked over to Tony, "Someone's here to see you."

"Send him in", Tony said.

"He doesn't want to come in", Vision said, "He wants you to go out. He said he doesn't enter the residences of people who are traitors, blackmailers or hypocrites or all of them."

"Who the hell is this ridiculous clown?" Tony muttered to himself as he decided to walk out, "Looks like he needs a lesson in manners."

"His name is Wade Wilson", Vision said, "He calls himself 'The Merc with a Mouth.'"

"I'm gonna make sure his mouth is sewn shut", Tony said as he walked out and looked at the one who had requested an audience with him.

"I got my mouth sewn shut once", Wade said as he turned around, "It was the most ridiculous thing ever. So ridiculous that I shot my sewn version dead, before meeting by BFF."

"Cut the crap", Tony said, "Your mother never taught you to respect your host? And did she ever tell you that you're not supposed to call the owner of a house outside if you wish to meet him?"

"And yet here you are, Mr. Stark", Wade said, "Talking to me with that big mouth of yours."

"I am the one with the big mouth?" Stark asked, feeling a little angry, "You're the one who comes to my house and calls me stuff like traitor, blackmailer and hypocrite."

"But you are, Mr. Stark, aren't you?" Wade said, "You are a bigger traitor and hypocrite than blonde nerds in CW shows."

"Hey merc, why don't you zip that up?" Tony said angrily as he did the 'zipper' gesture.

"Remember when you created Skynet?" Deadpool asked.

"What the hell?" Stark asked confused.

"Oops, sorry", Wade said, "I meant ULTRON!"

"Ultron? What about him?" Tony asked.

"You created him without consulting the other Avengers", Wade said, "You even convinced the awesome Mark Ruffalo himself to help you. Have you never seen any 'Terminator' movie you idiot?"

"I had no idea that would happen", Tony tried to defend himself, though 'Mark Ruffalo' was lost on him.

"You kept a secret from the entire team", Wade said, "It almost lead to global extinction and actually resulted in the destruction of Sokovia, with Pietro Maximoff losing his life. And that's what resulted in the Sokovia Accords being created. Yet you got angry at Cap for keeping your parents' death at his best friend's hands a secret from you? And BTW, he didn't know it was Bucky."

"How the hell do you know all this?" Tony asked.

"SO! Are you breathing?" Wade suddenly sang, shocking Tony, "OH! Sorry. I just get excited when I have to tell people about my voices. You see, I have voices speaking to me. Telling me everything, including how much of a traitor you are. You outed Clint Barton's family in front of an open channel. Just because he is the most underrated Avenger and you're the most overrated doesn't give you a right to do that."

"I forgot about that camera for a moment", Tony said.

"Oh! Just conveniently long enough to betray his sacred secret", Wade said, "And honestly, how the hell can you sign those Accords? They have elements of dictatorship in them."

"I can get them amended", Tony said.

"How? What will you do? Withhold Stark Phone 12.0 from sales in the countries if they don't agree to amend it?" Wade pointed out the ridiculousness of the idea, "And if you try to pull that, you will be booked for extortion."

After a moment of silence, Wade said, "And your treatment of my other BFF is horrible. You blackmail him to help him in Leipzig? And you don't even tell his aunt where you were taking him? That's kidnapping and even counts to human trafficking."

"It was a desperate time", Tony tried to defend himself.

"Team Cap was facing a desperate time", Wade said, "They thought five more Winter Soldiers were about to be released into the world. Did they blackmail any enhanced kids? No. They brought an actual adult- Paul Rudd, and even told him the whole situation. By the way, not listening to Steve's warning at the airport, dick move Stark. And trying to kill Bucky even when you knew he was not responsible for your parents' deaths, how much can you fall?"

"I was upset", Tony said.

"Steve was upset throughout the whole movie", Wade said, confusing Tony, "Yet he provided rational arguments. Honestly, it's a wonder people side with you, but then again, the Russos deleted most of the footage that show Team Cap in a better light. And unfortunately, not everyone watches Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. which showed the dark side of the Accords. A shame as that show got better when it crossovered with Captain America: The Winter Soldier. But even then, your shady actions shown in the movie were WRONG!"

Most of the stuff Wade said was confusing Tony by now.

"And then you ignored Peter while dumping him on your bodyguard", Wade said, "Later in the movie, you made him feel bad about himself. And honestly, trying to introduce him to the press? He's a kid. What will you do if Ross goes after him? And then getting engaged with Pepper just to give the press a consolation prize? It's bad enough you have hijacked Cap's and Spider-Man's movies!"

By now, Tony was confused beyond measure but he got the point Wade was trying to make.

"You wanted to make a point", he said, "You've made it."

"And by the way", Wade said, "If you're dreaming about Bucky lecturing Steve about his treatment of you, or Team Cap coming crawling back to you, or every single superhero and the entire world standing behind the Accords, or Steve and Wanda being villains. I must say- THOSE DREAMS ARE BULLSHIT!"

Tony could only look down in shame and sigh sadly.

"I hope you understand, Tony", Wade said as he walked away, "You might be the MCU's first hero, but that doesn't give you a pass for shady stuff. And your stans have made me think you're worse than you actually are."

Tony slowly turned away and walked back to his compound, ashamed of himself and thinking of how to redeem himself. Wade walked away muttering, "I guess after this guy, Batman will be good company. Of course I had a failed stint in DC, but its still a fine place-"

* * *

 **Wade's sense of humor is the hardest thing to capture. But I hope I did a decent job. And I hope you liked how he called out Tony for his actions in Civil Ward and Homecoming.**

 **Honestly, I don't dislike Tony much. I still like some things about him. But his ridiculous stans are getting on my nerves and this is what happens when someone pisses me off that much.**

 **The 'Stark Phone 12.0' joke was taken from Chapter 9 of 'Actions Have Consequences [for Tony Stark]' by 'Gibbs_yeah.'**

 **Please review. I always appreciate your feedback.**

 **Until next time.**

 **Aragorn II Elessar.**


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